Fuck it

New year's day

Close down the curtains. Let no light come in, as my own darkness overcomes everything.

I close my eyes and pray.

May there be a day when breathing doesn't mean pain. When the dead black bird on my chest flapping its wings doesn't make my heart skip its beats.

May there come a day when love means happiness. 

I pray for a day with no more blood, no more red tears running down my cheeks, no more streams down my legs, no more life escaping me.

I pray for a day when sunshine shines on me.

When death is ahead of me and not in me.

I pray for a peaceful night's sleep. An innocent's sleep, no nightmares, no dark demons tormenting me on the early hours.

I pray for a smile that answers mine.

I pray for a tiny soft hand cupped inside mine, a soft touch, a tiny ear to whisper magic spells of love and comforting.

I pray for a second chance. For talent. Ability. Skills. 

Fot this crippled hands to be able to hold a glass and write without the cold needle piercing my nerves.

For this useless bones to carry my weight.

I look up to the moon and I let out a long howl, crying my shame, my pain, my sadness.

As I despise myself I embrace my own. I crawl to my den where amongst dead bodies I pick on my skin, scratch my face, let the knife come to my aid and provide its bittersweet relief.

Black bird inside my chest

Ok, I know it's cheating to just keep posting pictures, but lately words fail me more and more as my hands grow tire too quickly.
But I have a Christmas tree that I set myself and I'll cook dinner for 3 of my best friends. And I'm alive. Who would've thought that? Another year. I've made it. Last month was a very close call. Very close. I'm growing scare of my time coming to an end and at the same time I feel too tired to keep going. But I am alive. And I'm made of flesh and warm blood. And someone just touched this wretched body of mine. These burning tears. I don't want to go. I want to touch other bodies and maybe one day forget the empty space between my arms. And then maybe I'll be able to sleep in peace.

Baby girl

I'm sorry I'm failing you. But I just can't go on. I am taking every step I can to make sure you'll have a good life when I'm gone.
I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit. I'm sorry I've been weak. I'm sorry I will not keep my promise of staying with you.
But You'll be safe and better without me. I will honor my word and make sure you have a good place to live. And you will be loved. Love you baby girl.