the end of my mind

I hear things. when i´m washing dishes or reading the newspaper. watching tv. suddenly there they are. first come the images and then i can hear them. no relation to what i´m doing. it just happens.
and i see horrible things. i can listen to the death, the suffering, of people i know, of strangers. sometimes they might be memories. other times i´ve never seen them.
they are breaking me. painfully.
they are telling me i am guilty, unworthy. ugly. stupid. stupid.
i don´t know who i am anymore. i´m beggining to loose my memory and sometimes i can´t separate truth from fiction.
i think i´m going mad. crazy. amok.
i am crazy.

five for this week

The way I live-simian
Far away-muse
Hate-cat power
Everybody´s gotta learn sometimes-beck
I´ve seen it all-björk

lost battles

Oh my god, he walk in and there I was, eating chicken soup out of a plastic bowl, with a baby wrapped around my leg screaming "mommy, mommy!". He looked at me and smiling said hi, probably thinking how hard it is to be a mother. How uncool. sigh. cut to. he enters the store and starts speaking with pretty younger coworker.

He says that he feels that sometimes I kind of look down on him. Like maybe I feel he is too young for me.

Somebody told him that I had said I liked him. He smile and said: "Oh, really?"

After dancing and talking and drinking he tried to kiss me. i had been thinking of that the whole night, but I had to stop him, It wasn´t the right time, i mean what if the next day neither of us remember anything of it? and i really like him, so...
next day I found out he had gone to the other party with cute 20 years old.

He looks up, and he says "uh, you know, you kind of have nice breasts" heard that? "kind of" oh for fuck´s sake.

I saw him across the room, dark and handsome, but I couldn´t find the courage to go and say hi.

I asked him what was going on, and he answered back immediately: With me not calling you anymore? I have to say, I was surprised that he wanted to address the issue right away. But then he was like Oh nothing I´ve just been very busy and you haven´t called me either. Remember, he is the one that says that he is there with me, but not really there.

I know he thinks I am kind of a "free spirit" or something. And he also knows his friends like me. But he also knows how big a girl I can be sometimes. So when he kissed me in the balcony, with light-reflected-on-water-forming-strange-shapes in the wall, I thought he knew what he was getting into. Cut to. I arrive and he introduces me to his new girl. An actress. And he later looks at me and says wow, you could cut the air with a knife.

I mean, he knows my ex plays in that band, why did he mentioned he had seen them? And then I didn´t ask for him. I just asked how it was. And he breaks into shouting and storms off the bar, "the problem it´s me, I never learn, but one of these days" and he spends the next 15 minutes criticizing every man I know in the world, with me standing there under the rain trying to explain to him, until I find out that idon´t have anything to explain to him, so I turn around and go back to the bar. Obviously he goes after me just to be the one with the last word, and he goes without saying goodbye.

When I arrived to the pub I was with my girlfriends, and we where drinking and just being silly and we started joking and stuff. And actually, I was happy to see him, it had been quite a while. He was happy to see me too.
Why?

He said "I thought we were over that stage of our lives". I thought that too.
He asked for the onehundredmillion time if I had really gotten married. I know he likes that idea because it makes him feel we are even.

He is so stubborn.

He is so grumpy

He is so egocentric-big-egomaniac

And he can be a pig

He called at one o´clock in the morning on a Sunday to ask what I was doing. I was sleeping. He said get up and come here. Like that. I say no. he insists. I think of the last years. I stay in my bed.

He said he had been thinking of that since the first moment he saw me that day.

He was jealous because he thought that the one I liked was his friend. And I did.

I remember very clearly the first time I saw her.

He wants to get revenge.

he, they, don´t love me. they want to have me just as their prey. but i am also a hunter.

i want him to stay, but I wish he wouldn´t stay all the time.
fragmented, little pieces trapped into a crashed mirror, after each one the reflection of a tired woman. who is she?

Crowded house

Since the afternoon she had spotted him. She alredy knew the code and was able to read the signs. Not that they where that hard to understand.
It felt good.
The hunter was back.

days of rain, sun, rain. i miss my little sunny spot, where i can lay drinking ice tea, a book, swinging in the hammock, milla jumping back and forth the fence, bbq´s while malade y maladie jump around naked taking pictures of each other.

The renaissance artist has parted to the highlands, to his summer retreat, put on your hunters and take long walks in the hills with your faithful dog next to you, so a son of bush´s country is staying with us, using the dark scot´s bedroom.

A son of the perfid Albion and the Empire is the new permanent member of house d of dames & dragons. NOW it´s offcial. sigh. boys.

And we are expecting another product of the land of hamburgers and nukes, who will arrive with his wife for the summer. and i have my fingers crossed. for them not to be psychos. or for them to be so. i can´t remember which was.

so this is summer. i actually like summer. but away from the city.
i think of sea breeze, caipirinhas, a good book, the feel of sand under my feet...
but well.
one of these days
these are the days
ja!

top five
These are the days-10,000 maniacs
La ciudad de la furia- soda stereo, (version unplugged)
smells like teen spirit-nirvana
coffee & tv-blur
for real-tricky

Summer letters

I still think of you. I do.
I wonder where you are now.
I actually miss you.

Todavía te busco entre la gente. Cuando manejo. O caminando.
Espero verte aparecer en cualquier momento.
Casi un accidente.

I still believe I will find you.
So I leave this stupid notes everywhere. For you.
Just in case you find one of them, so you would know I am here.

Para que cuando encuentres una de esas notas, estas cartas, palabras, pelo, sangre, sudor,
sepas que soy yo, que estoy aquí.
Y que seguiré dejando estas pistas, este rastro que sólo tú puedes leer.
El único a quien no he abandonado.

The only one for whom I sit and wait.
You.

I need a candle
I need a wish
I need a fairy tale with a happy ending
I need a dream that doesn´t wake me up at night
I need a day for the living
I need a warm spot next to me
I need a chance
I need you

birthday letters

My birthday was the third of june. I was away from home. And it seem I was going to have a horrible day. But something changed. By casualty i ran into somebody. And he took care of me. And I found some friends. And they don´t care if i don´t wear designer clothes or if i am not a catholic or i am the daugther of the previous marriage. And i felt proud of my father. he was happy. he glowed. and i was happy for him. but it hurts. the be the other. to be the one who spend her childhood alone. i am happy he has a new life, a new beatiful girl that is worthy of his love. i just wish he could understand that i am ok with it, but i don´t want to see it. that i don´t want to know all the things he can give to her, all the love he has for his new wife. because i never saw him love my mother. we never went on fun trips, i never saw him holding hands with her. i never saw him compliment her or told her he loved her. and it´s ok. it was their lifes and he was a good man to her and she tried to make him happy. but even if as a grown person i understand they were not able to love each other and that life moved on i do,n´t need to see it. my mother is alone, as she is going to die alone, her life stopped the day he left. it shouldn´t be like that. but it is. and she is my mother. as he is my father.

and he feels sorry for me. and he is ashamed of me. and i wish it could be different. but it can´t.

and i am happy for the way his life is going. he said to an audience that dreams come true. i believe that. but not my dreams. i am lonely in my heart but i know i am not alone. i am trying to remember it. every day. but as far as my dreams come, i´ve lost hope. but i am ok. i will be ok. i am living.

i had fun on my birthday. and everyone called to say they love me. and i got a birthday present. and someone said I am beatiful.

my father is happy.

and maybe someday i will be too.

actually it´s easy,

it´s not the result of a mind challenging puzzle or the thousand voices of an army lost in oblivion.

It´s even obvious, which makes it trivial, (I hate vulgarity, triviality, mediocracy)

I am crazy.

not in the we live nowadays in a crazy world full with stress and that has change the people´s perception of sanity.

really crazy as in take your rainbow pills dear,

we don´t want you to upset the rest of the kids right?

And no, it´s not cool, so forget about the wonders of being different.

I´ve become paranoic.

I´ve become obssesive.

I´ve become an addict.

and i am not happy and i want to hurt everything, everyone, starting with myself.

slish slash slish a little cut here slash a little cut there

if you do it in your legs it´s easier to explain them

if you do it in your wrists you´ll have to wear bracelets to cover them up

if you do it with your nails you can say it´s a scratch

if you do it with a knife is more painful

so, are you looking for pain?

or humilliation?

or sick sick sick behavior?

yep, that´s me, that´s what i´ve become.

lonely, full of rage, betrayed by myself

let me tell you a little of a story there was this girl, beatiful wide eyed curly hair girl.

she lived in an apartment and she was never allowed to go out. In the mornings she went to school and from there she became a ghost, hidden in her parents office, doing homework, laying by herself. A sad little ghost. She created imaginary friends, she read, she imagine what the outside world will look like. She had a little problem, because she would get bored at school very easily. Her teachers punished her for finishing work too fast. And she grew bored, punished. The others girls laughed at her. She was the other. And a little seed began growing inside of her, tick tack, little by little, branches leaves spreading in her body. crazy crazy Her parents told the little gril that was ok, it was good to be different, super cool yei. And told her to not have a chicken heart. So she learn to conceal her thoughts her feelings. To pretend to be daddy´s girl, mommy´s favorite baby. To be clean cut A grade nice boring stupid bitch everyone expected her to be. Until the jungle inside her grew too much, digged to far into the darkness of her heart. And she exploted. dark trees, clouds, blood, dead babies, storms, snakes and worms, pain pain pain pain, everything went out . And then they told her she was crazy, that it was her fault. They advice to stay home, hidden, so she wouldn´t bring shame to the family. to write happy things, because the world is so bright and full of wonderful things. to not feel sad angry depressed disapointed bored helpless. When they saw the marks in her legs they told her to stop doing it because it looked "ugly", not girly pretty. When they saw the marks in her wrists they said to stop doing it because it distressed them. And she grew, dark circles under her eyes, ugly hate rage death.

There is no turning back.

Once you´ve gone too deep into the waste lands.

When you are an empty field.

When you are a lost sorrow.

When you breath death

The reality is that you are not dying, you just want to, but at the same time you do not know how to do it (trust me, is not that easy)

And half of the time you wonder if you REALLY want to die, or if it´s just another one living inside you the one that does. Because you never know, if your toughts are yours, or if it is the illness.

After the shakes, you will be able to breath again.

Waiting

My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
The waste land. T.S. Eliot

it is not easy to let go of the stream that gives way to life
the strings strongly sealed
a million reasons
open eyes that will not close

but neither is easy the body that refuses to move
organs fighting helplessly
brain, soul, spirit
all gone
and death, only death is there

five

cry ´til the morning. richard ashcroft
fade into you.mazzy star/jarvis cocker
suzanne.leonard cohen
shadowboxer.fionna apple
hunter.björk

Semper idem

And the sixth sorrow
Is the fox´s sorrow
The joy of the huntsman, the joy of the hounds,
The hooves that pound
Till earth closes her ear
To the fox´s prayer.
The seven sorrows. ted hugues.

And I wish that I was a happy guy,
average boy walking home from school,
watching from the bridge the trains gone by,
playing in the park.
To sit in the garden to see the leaves fall
and pretend they come to greet me
instead of bringing despair.
But my name is pain and my blood is revenge
and I am not a happy soul
that shines, it is otherwise,
I am the burden of myself,
glasses crashing
empty pockets
bitten nails.
It is not that I don´t have hope
it´s just that it ain´t enough
to shake the blues
and make me see the sun.

But to tell you the truth,
dark and cloudy as I am
I believe I am a dark star
that can bright in the night.

Just this once

Desde mi vitrina observo tu ventana,
distorsionada, páginas de lluvia entorpecen la mirada.
Uno, dos, tres,
son días o semanas,
que desde mi lugar observo,
quieto, al acecho.
Pero tus cortinas nunca dejan entrar el sol,
nunca dejan entrar la lluvia,
sólo el marco como referencia.
Me imagino lo que haces ahí dentro
y me pongo tus zapatos
mientras le doy un gran trago a la botella
que siempre guardas,
escondida, apenada.
Te observo mientras trabajas,
mientras juegas,
mientras eres el niño de mi infancia perdida.
Y me visto de azul, fragmentos plata como cristales y diamantes
que se estrellan y penetran salvajes
pero me convierten en la estrella de mi propio espectáculo.
Y cae la noche y la luz nunca se enciende,
nunca estás
y no puedo soñar con el mismo cielo que tú.
No sé donde estás.

Beatiful girl

You wake up, open our eyes and realize that you are a boy who wants to be a girl trapped in the body of a woman.

When you are tired of just being one of the boys

and you try on old clothes and in new clothes

but nothing fits,

your hair is a mess,

your skin doesn´t have the ivory quality it used to,

and no one has brought you flowers in years,

or taken you to the cinema,

or gone to pick you up at work.

But at the end of the day you just want to be beatiful.

And that someone else thinks that you are beatiful.

My marathon suggestions

My own private Idaho
Priscilla, Queen of the desert
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Breakfast at Pluto´s
Tarnation
Happy together
Velvet Goldmine
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
My beatiful laundrette
Love and human remains

All the shiny and beatiful

I guess we´ve already been here before, and you might start joking about my need to save all the hamsters in the world, but think that when we are gone all the beatiful creatures will be around.

www.thepetitionsite.com

I miss you

This weekend a couple of friends went to a wedding in the country side. They were staying in a fancy hotel-club. They were sitting in the lobby on the second day and this host comes and tells them that one of the guests had complained that they were induring on "inappropiate behavior". They were holding hands.
They are both men.
Everytime I hear things like these my heart sinks deeper.
Silly stupid people.
Hate
With their churches and their pride and their morals.

Everytime I hear stuff like these...
and I write this today because I´ve been thinking of you. I dreamed with you a couple of days ago.
and it reminds me of you because I am so full with anger and I know that you would have been outraged as well, but at the sight of me becoming the wounded elephant destroying everything on its path you would´ve put on one of your silly smiles and hug me and tell me about all the beatiful stuff that there is out there. And you would have cooked your famous strudel and said funny things and at the end of the evening you would´ve let me rest my head on your shoulder. And I would believe you. that there are beatiful things outside.
Silly boy.
How could you?
I am the one that keeps dreaming of you. And I also have to dream for the both of us, silly selfish boy, I´ve grown up, and you will always be a tall, dark, silly boy. The Jackal is about to finish engineering, baby sis is doing her master, my film has been screened...
Let me tell you about beatiful things.
How could I care about them if they were not enough to keep you here?
lay there, under the shadow of that tree, your eyes closed, I will keep writing.

house d is mourning

Baby Sky died.
one of tiger lilly´s babies. the little gray one.
and even if life is like that and mother nature knows better, it still hurts.
and leaves your heart feeling wet and sad.
Poor Eleanor has tears hidden behind her eyes
and she thinks I can´t see them
but I do.
and i mourn for her.
and i would liked to know how to reach and shake sadness away.
but i do not know.

The five of the week

midnight radio-Hedwig and the angry inch

it´s a fire-Portishead

jackie-Placebo´s version

wish you were here-Pink floyd

say hello to heaven-Temple of heaven

it´s time to die

He was looking for a secret place to hide away his shame.
His boredom
his lost battles
his dreams
his loneliness
his lack of personality
his being a looser a winner his ugliness his being handsome
his bret easton ellis and his jane austen
his being on top
getting fucked in the ass
his bright mornings
his last sunset

he was a dark star starting to fade away
and who would be soon gone away for good.
And nobody knew his name.
He has stop eating.
That is only the beggning. Soon his body will start hurting.
Chest
Stomach
Head
Legs
Arms
then he will know he is ready,
and the night will close his eyes.

Top five of the week

common people- Pulp

where are you know when i need you- The Waterboys

acrobat-U2

it can´t rain all the time- Jane Siberry

hurt- nine inch nails