bloody is the taste of my mouth

You´ll never know.
I long for beauty so much.
I cried for a whole day, until I started to choke, not being able to breath, tears stucked in my throat.
The man has come again in the middle of the night. I was too afraid to say anything . He touched me. He made me dirty. He did nasty stuff to me. I just kept crying.
That man it´s me.
You need to stay focuzed. If you focus on one thing eventually you´ll be able to stop hurting.
You will not feel your cold sweat.
Your own breath breathing down on the back of your neck.
you´ll stop feeling.

And then you will smile. And say thank you, and very kind, and how do you do and that´s very nice. And your family will love you, and your bosses will adore you and everyone will think you are such a cute pretty thing.
And you will keep smiling because you don´t want the man to come back.

You wish you could be beatiful,
soft skin, big eyes, thin hips.
but you are not.
it´s only you in the mirror.

but the important part is that you are trying.
And that will keep away the big bad man inside of you.
hidden.
so he doesn´t hurt others.

maybe if you are lucky he won´t hurt you again.

remember the bruises?
the humilliation?

I´m scared again.

I´m laughing again.
I have the power, I can cut, hit,
I will destroy this body.
I will break me. that way he won´t be able to do it.
I will take away that pleasure from him.

I hurt myself when I was twelve.
I was humilliated in front of my whole classroom at six.
I was excluded at fifteen.
I didn´t have any friends when i was four.
My cousins always made fun of me until I was sixteen.

But all of them are dead. The man has come and has killed them.
rape them, tear their insides out.
eat their flesh and made his domain on their flesh.

but then he comes to collect.

If you don´t fight him he´ll be softer.
I´ll keep the door close.

drive sex

M was arguing with some other woman, probably about something silly and superficial. The other woman was very angry for a very unfair reason. She was shouting and her eyes were bursting with rage. It was not HER fault, M was trying to explain herself to the other. And then the other woman took a knife, a thin sharp knife and sticked it inside M´s vagina. M couldn´t move, the cold of the object deep into her. The other woman was grinding her teeth, telling M that she was in her power now.

All of this is not important.
it´s a dream.
the important part is when you have the knife inside your vagina.
the rest might be true, or maybe you´ve changed it for it to make a little bit of sense.
The knife.
if you move only one inch it pierces you.
slish slash
it cuts your flesh, that secret private place.
your legs show thin lines of blood
the moment when the woman grabs you and sticks it inside.
you can feel it going in.
cutting, breaking.
the strange object and your whole body rebeling against it, but you don´t move,
you are afraid that if you move, you´ll be cut into a thousand slices, like some ready for sushi fish, your vagina cut into thin, delicate slices. your womb turned into death.

again, none of this is important.
only the knife inside your vagina.

war week

welcome to the machine-pink floyd
dead man dead man-bob dylan
genocide-rage against the machine
do the evolution-pearl jam
imagine-john lennon