Monday, January 30, 2012
Shame is the new found pain. Shame is laying naked in the middle of the road, broken doll, blood still running down my legs. Exposed, I can't even breath, digging lines in my flesh, I arrived to my house and something was different, everything was in its place but slightly different. And then I smelled him. He who holds my heart in his hand came here. To my reign of blood, guts, limbs and pain. He found his path here and came in, doors unlocked because he is king of everything I own. But this place is not for him. The filthiness of it must have shocked him, dirt sticking to his feet, walls covered in shit, no light inside of this hell where I dwell in the night, after shedding my fake skin and howl to the gods in a million empty halls. I can't breath right now, my fingers numb, tears running down my face, as I know he will, disgusted, turn around and go. I damn my name and my trembling I cannot control, as I follow his trace inside this house, room after room, hoping to find a sign, some lost flower, a curl of his hair, a hidden letter that eases my mind. Nothing I found, just an angry warning that fills this stupid damaged creature with shame and pain. I've become too reckless, too careless. This house that once laid hidden behind a thicker veil than night, know figures in some scavengers maps, exposed to tourists and curious men. And now, horror horror, he has found the secret name of the beast that guides him here, where he walked and roamed wall after wall, this unworthy whore exposed, this broken damaged girl exposed, this wild animal scared of being tamed exposed, the rape and the murder exposed, a thousand secrets and images exposed. And must of all, my love for him exposed. I run out of the house. I cry. Blame me, curse me, punish me, for fear and shame now have closed their tight grip on me. I turn into wolf and into the woods I run, looking for him, to come close to his warmth I long for so much, to wait until his glaze meets my eyes and tells me everything is fine. That I can breath again. oh shame, shame, shame, please go away.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dark is the place where our house is in. Our bedrooms look to opposite directions.
One looks east, the other west. Our eyes fixed on the horizon that blind extends within our selves. If only we could just take away our gaze away from the window and walk towards the door.
Dark is the shadow that seems to have taken hold of our hearts. A ghost floating unwelcome after our every step. Sometimes it’s dressed in red rage, sometimes in blue sadness, sometimes, it’s just a cold dark night.
As the night goes on, the sky covers with stars, with moons and suns from far away, none of them sheltering us.
I've cried while covered in blood, each new cut another day I've let you live. But I can't escape my own death. In order to save you, to save us, I must go. Into the light away from your embrace, away from what could've been.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Please forgive me, because I'm not perfect.
I've hurt people. I hurt you many years ago, I hurt you just a couple of seconds ago.
I forgive you. I think I am ready to forgive you.
Because I really need to let you go. I need you to be dead. Completely dead.
I want to.
I demand it. I've already paid my share of pain. Now just let me go.
Please just let me go.
I am ready to go.