Monday, July 31, 2006

the end of my mind

I hear things. when i´m washing dishes or reading the newspaper. watching tv. suddenly there they are. first come the images and then i can hear them. no relation to what i´m doing. it just happens.
and i see horrible things. i can listen to the death, the suffering, of people i know, of strangers. sometimes they might be memories. other times i´ve never seen them.
they are breaking me. painfully.
they are telling me i am guilty, unworthy. ugly. stupid. stupid.
i don´t know who i am anymore. i´m beggining to loose my memory and sometimes i can´t separate truth from fiction.
i think i´m going mad. crazy. amok.
i am crazy.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

five for this week

The way I live-simian
Far away-muse
Hate-cat power
Everybody´s gotta learn sometimes-beck
I´ve seen it all-björk

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

lost battles

Oh my god, he walk in and there I was, eating chicken soup out of a plastic bowl, with a baby wrapped around my leg screaming "mommy, mommy!". He looked at me and smiling said hi, probably thinking how hard it is to be a mother. How uncool. sigh. cut to. he enters the store and starts speaking with pretty younger coworker.

He says that he feels that sometimes I kind of look down on him. Like maybe I feel he is too young for me.

Somebody told him that I had said I liked him. He smile and said: "Oh, really?"

After dancing and talking and drinking he tried to kiss me. i had been thinking of that the whole night, but I had to stop him, It wasn´t the right time, i mean what if the next day neither of us remember anything of it? and i really like him, so...
next day I found out he had gone to the other party with cute 20 years old.

He looks up, and he says "uh, you know, you kind of have nice breasts" heard that? "kind of" oh for fuck´s sake.

I saw him across the room, dark and handsome, but I couldn´t find the courage to go and say hi.

I asked him what was going on, and he answered back immediately: With me not calling you anymore? I have to say, I was surprised that he wanted to address the issue right away. But then he was like Oh nothing I´ve just been very busy and you haven´t called me either. Remember, he is the one that says that he is there with me, but not really there.

I know he thinks I am kind of a "free spirit" or something. And he also knows his friends like me. But he also knows how big a girl I can be sometimes. So when he kissed me in the balcony, with light-reflected-on-water-forming-strange-shapes in the wall, I thought he knew what he was getting into. Cut to. I arrive and he introduces me to his new girl. An actress. And he later looks at me and says wow, you could cut the air with a knife.

I mean, he knows my ex plays in that band, why did he mentioned he had seen them? And then I didn´t ask for him. I just asked how it was. And he breaks into shouting and storms off the bar, "the problem it´s me, I never learn, but one of these days" and he spends the next 15 minutes criticizing every man I know in the world, with me standing there under the rain trying to explain to him, until I find out that idon´t have anything to explain to him, so I turn around and go back to the bar. Obviously he goes after me just to be the one with the last word, and he goes without saying goodbye.

When I arrived to the pub I was with my girlfriends, and we where drinking and just being silly and we started joking and stuff. And actually, I was happy to see him, it had been quite a while. He was happy to see me too.

He said "I thought we were over that stage of our lives". I thought that too.
He asked for the onehundredmillion time if I had really gotten married. I know he likes that idea because it makes him feel we are even.

He is so stubborn.

He is so grumpy

He is so egocentric-big-egomaniac

And he can be a pig

He called at one o´clock in the morning on a Sunday to ask what I was doing. I was sleeping. He said get up and come here. Like that. I say no. he insists. I think of the last years. I stay in my bed.

He said he had been thinking of that since the first moment he saw me that day.

He was jealous because he thought that the one I liked was his friend. And I did.

I remember very clearly the first time I saw her.

He wants to get revenge.

he, they, don´t love me. they want to have me just as their prey. but i am also a hunter.

i want him to stay, but I wish he wouldn´t stay all the time.
fragmented, little pieces trapped into a crashed mirror, after each one the reflection of a tired woman. who is she?