Monday, December 24, 2012

Black bird inside my chest

Ok, I know it's cheating to just keep posting pictures, but lately words fail me more and more as my hands grow tire too quickly.
But I have a Christmas tree that I set myself and I'll cook dinner for 3 of my best friends. And I'm alive. Who would've thought that? Another year. I've made it. Last month was a very close call. Very close. I'm growing scare of my time coming to an end and at the same time I feel too tired to keep going. But I am alive. And I'm made of flesh and warm blood. And someone just touched this wretched body of mine. These burning tears. I don't want to go. I want to touch other bodies and maybe one day forget the empty space between my arms. And then maybe I'll be able to sleep in peace.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Baby girl

I'm sorry I'm failing you. But I just can't go on. I am taking every step I can to make sure you'll have a good life when I'm gone.
I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit. I'm sorry I've been weak. I'm sorry I will not keep my promise of staying with you.
But You'll be safe and better without me. I will honor my word and make sure you have a good place to live. And you will be loved. Love you baby girl.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

So cold...
Looking for a new house, hating myself, hating my life, hating being sick. Hate never being enough.
Why so much hate I wonder?
No job, no future...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Haven't had a dream in a long time

Summer kisses, winter tears...
Or is it the other way round?
He is back to his new home, the house feels so empty...

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Monday, July 09, 2012

As I give myself to thee

Tiny hands. I held him, cupped in my hands for a moment. My baby.
Pieces of flesh drop from me every day, a walking corpse. I have nothing, I am nothing. Every step a flash of pain.
Truth, lie, love, whore, cunt, metal heart shaped trunk box.
People circling me, rushing too fast.
I know I won't see you again. When I wake up covered in cold sweat, with your voice in my ear and my dead baby's cry weighting heavy on me, I can tell, you were never here.
I am hardcore. Underneath the blood there is so much filth, a fallen angel who came too close to the sun and had her wings burnt. An abandoned baby, I close my eyes. Open my eyes. Grab the knife, slish slash, get the scissors, start to cut, zig zig zig zag, blood comes out, covers me, my drug, my ally, black dirty blood, like my womb, my dry dead death womb. I choke on me, I walk these streets, fake smile white teeth, high heels as my move my hips to seduce, to play. While I fuck, salt in my lips, my eyes wide open fixed on the roof, on the wall, anywhere to stay away.
Morning blood, lips, cunt and ass. Bruises as a whole. I walk with my head up high, I've defeated them all. I've got what I want.
I am a little less me, but I never really liked myself that much.
I kneel and I start to scream. My nails dig in my flesh and I mutter my everyday crux.
I'll soon die, I'll soon no longer see another day.
i will soon cease to be.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

There's nothing better than love. As I close my eyes, lay my head on my pillow, as my breathing goes slower...
I see my face reflected on the water, rain drops distorting the image, breeze touches my skin. I sigh.
I long, painfully, my body aching.
I don't cry anymore, I sing, until blood covers everything. I am sorrow, I am vengeance.
I am waiting, waiting for you to come.

Monday, June 11, 2012

You've ruined me for life. Every day without you is painful. I can only get some sleep when I feel you close to me.
I count the minutes until we are together again.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Naked body dumped in a corner

I want to believe this is a world where we can be happy. I want to believe such world exists. I need to believe that what lays at the core of our hearts it's possible. I am waiting for a sign that tells me we are going to be fine. That this painful struggle, all the miles walked, all the blood shed, were just a small step on a longer run.

I need to wake up with you by my side. To have you hold me in your arms. To feel again your body next to mine. Because I've discovered I am me, and me alone I'm fine, but it's only with you that I am alive.

Come out of the house that has no doors or light, let's abandon those dark corners, let's walk hand by hand, along the river, with Milla by our side. Let's chase northern lights, build a farm, travel to the distant shores. Let's live a long fulfilling life, together, away from the obscure killer that hides inside of me, away from pain and regrets, let's just take it one day at a time.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I wear my scars like a trophy, as they mean I am alive. My love he smiles a pain disease. My baby dies as I rock him and then I flush him down the drain.

I am lady dead.

Death on white


and I smell of blood

Friday, March 02, 2012


So beautiful, my love makes me smile. We hold hands and we laugh. We live on our bubble, away from the world, not thinking of tomorrow or yesterday. Just thinking of us.

Monday, January 30, 2012


Shame is the new found pain. Shame is laying naked in the middle of the road, broken doll, blood still running down my legs. Exposed, I can't even breath, digging lines in my flesh, I arrived to my house and something was different, everything was in its place but slightly different. And then I smelled him. He who holds my heart in his hand came here. To my reign of blood, guts, limbs and pain. He found his path here and came in, doors unlocked because he is king of everything I own. But this place is not for him. The filthiness of it must have shocked him, dirt sticking to his feet, walls covered in shit, no light inside of this hell where I dwell in the night, after shedding my fake skin and howl to the gods in a million empty halls. I can't breath right now, my fingers numb, tears running down my face, as I know he will, disgusted, turn around and go. I damn my name and my trembling I cannot control, as I follow his trace inside this house, room after room, hoping to find a sign, some lost flower, a curl of his hair, a hidden letter that eases my mind. Nothing I found, just an angry warning that fills this stupid damaged creature with shame and pain. I've become too reckless, too careless. This house that once laid hidden behind a thicker veil than night, know figures in some scavengers maps, exposed to tourists and curious men. And now, horror horror, he has found the secret name of the beast that guides him here, where he walked and roamed wall after wall, this unworthy whore exposed, this broken damaged girl exposed, this wild animal scared of being tamed exposed, the rape and the murder exposed, a thousand secrets and images exposed. And must of all, my love for him exposed. I run out of the house. I cry. Blame me, curse me, punish me, for fear and shame now have closed their tight grip on me. I turn into wolf and into the woods I run, looking for him, to come close to his warmth I long for so much, to wait until his glaze meets my eyes and tells me everything is fine. That I can breath again. oh shame, shame, shame, please go away.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Both hands

Dark is the place where our house is in. Our bedrooms look to opposite directions.

One looks east, the other west. Our eyes fixed on the horizon that blind extends within our selves. If only we could just take away our gaze away from the window and walk towards the door.

Dark is the shadow that seems to have taken hold of our hearts. A ghost floating unwelcome after our every step. Sometimes it’s dressed in red rage, sometimes in blue sadness, sometimes, it’s just a cold dark night.

As the night goes on, the sky covers with stars, with moons and suns from far away, none of them sheltering us.

I've cried while covered in blood, each new cut another day I've let you live. But I can't escape my own death. In order to save you, to save us, I must go. Into the light away from your embrace, away from what could've been.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

As the illness comes again

I am not perfect.
Please forgive me, because I'm not perfect.
I've hurt people. I hurt you many years ago, I hurt you just a couple of seconds ago.
I forgive you. I think I am ready to forgive you.
Because I really need to let you go. I need you to be dead. Completely dead.
I want to.
I demand it. I've already paid my share of pain. Now just let me go.
Please just let me go.
I am ready to go.