Bad bad girl

I´ve been a pretty good girl.
I am taking my medicines, eating well (kind of), calling my mother and I´ve found a job. Yei! surprise surprise, it´s one that doesn´t involve taking out the worms out of anybody´s arm or going to the bathroom in a hole on the ground.
Yei! Please, please not let anything ruin it, i´m becoming so superstitious.
I love being able to let go. I should´ve start doing it years ago! I love not caring for you anymore, it´s a great feeling to go out, maybe watch a film or have a cup of tea or maybe not even speak to each other and feel ok with it. I have always said we are better as friends. we are finally achieving it. I know you have your doubts and you still put that puppy face look, but come on, isn´t it more fun this way? Go to your girlfriend, to your work, to your life of little details, to the voices in your head, to your friends and I´ll keep running on the other direction. Just like it was always meant to be.

On the other hand I´ve managed, as I said on the previous post, to put myself in trouble with YOU again. Gosh, why i like you so much? I am not calling you, I´ve managed to keep that promise to myself. But I would really really love to see you. Besides, with the kid walking in the forest, I feel bored, obviously I don´t miss him, but at least he is fun to be around and keeps me from thinking of you.
Oh and trust me, I do feel a little bit guilty about that issue I haven´t told you about Him who can read minds. I know that if HE finds out he´ll go crazy (interesting choice of words), but i am still tryoing to figure out what will be your reaction, probably best to just find out and tell you. But for that I need to see you and I won´t call you and you are such an intense little thing who is precisely thinking of calling me or not, depending on the ammount of trouble we want to get involved. Yeesh.

But well.

These pretty life of mine

I never look back on the things I´ve written, like an obscure pact between words and myself, once in the outside they don´t belong to me anymore, so why dwell upon them?
But, if I ever read these things again, probably I´ll find this story about a pretty, little intense girl trapped in the body of a transvesti who is convinced he is a woman, lines and lines of blood, revenge, passion and intensity. lots of it.
Some days lighter than others I guess. This is a hard job to keep 24/7.
But I think I`ve managed pretty good, so far.

Oh, this one is great. I´m in love with you again. Ain´t that cute? after all this time, avoiding it, knowing you will hurt me and all that stuff and it took less than five minutes to be tangled up again in this little piece of a mess.
Good think you don´t know. I think you don´t know. Bullocks. That would be awful, because you are already a little work of egocentric energy, so if you are sure I like so much, good grief, you´ll become intolerable. And I´ll stand you anyway.

The kid is right about something, I like men because of the reflection of myself I see in them, which as a matter of fact I believe applies for everyone (we all have egos, right?), so throw the first stone. But it is true, altough sometimes might not be an image of myself of which I feel so proud. That is the catch. So that is way I´m not so great in picking the right guys. But I really like the woman I see trough you. So I´m back in trouble again.

That doesn´t mean I feel relieved about this big issue of mine, but as I was saying, I can´t be THAT intense all the time.
Maybe, just maybe, it is actually time to ease things a little bit on me.

Yeah, right. Like that means actually going after you. Oh, you are so tricksy.
Uff
Why I like you so much?

we don´t even stand a chance...
maybe that´s why.

I should write these stories instead of living them.

pain

God
please
I am looking for forgiveness,
here and only here I cry my secret, my burden,

should I be punished?
does hell fall upon those who have lived in its edege for too long and daringly cross its limits?

please it´s been so long since my life was taken away from me, i can´t remember anymore who i was before.

but take this away from me.
or sink me into oblivion so I shall not have memory.

And when the end comes, I know I´ll be alone. I can never go home.

Take this evil from my heart and leave me laying in the cold, sleeping, the long dream of snow.